Monday, September 12, 2011

Crazy Dog Lady Goes to Boot Camp

Wasn't there a movie like this back in the day with Goldie Hawn?  I went to a free trial session of one of those fitness boot camps and was expecting a big burly drill sergeant type lady to make me climb things and crawl under other things and run around a lot while she blew a whistle in my face and yelled at me to get my ass in gear.  But this is Boulder and instead I was greeted by a skinny yoga teacher chick who didn't have a whistle or yell even once and was perfectly pleasant.  She accused us of looking like the Sleestaks from the old Land of the Lost kiddie t.v. show while we were coming at her doing our lunges but that was the only trash talk and apparently I was the only one in the whole group who even knew what she was talking about.

The Sleestaks scared the crap out of me when I was 8 years old.  Their resemblance to Dick Cheney is uncanny and disturbing.

'That's what I get for growing up in Europe.  I don't know what you mean,' says one woman.  Ah Boulder.  But here's the thing about Fitness Boot Camp, it doesn't matter how much brie you have up your butt, you still have to do your lunges all the way across the field to the big tree then do your sideways lunge-y thingies all the way back.  No cheating.  I'm not sure what Skinny Yoga Chick had in store for those who dared defy her because nobody dared defy her.

I went to class on 'Strength Day' which meant there wasn't a whole lot of running around or climbing or crawling.  I was told to bring a yoga mat because in Boulder we have yoga mats not exercise mats.  There were also stretchy rubber cords with handles and a little short step stool thingy.  I don't do any strength training, at least not recently so I figured this would be good for me.  Some of the exercises were easier for me than others and some worked muscles that haven't seen the light of day since Madonna really was a virgin.  There were a lot of exercises to learn.  Just when I was getting the hang of one and starting to feel like I couldn't do it any longer she'd say, '10 more seconds' and then we'd be off to the next.  I suppose it's to keep people from getting bored and to torture as many muscle groups as possible.

The class felt challenging enough while doing it, at least the last 15 seconds of each exercise, but driving home I didn't feel as if I'd gotten much of a workout.  And then I woke up the next day and could barely move.  Skinny Yoga Chick had kicked my ass.  Everything hurt, even my eyes.  I stretched and iced and moaned and groaned.  Poor Jonny got sick of listening to the drama fest and said he was going for a ride up at Picture Rock in Lyons.  Of course I invited myself along because it was too beautiful of a day outside and how could I pass this up?

The trail is nice for about 40 minutes or so then starts getting rocky.  I can usually gut it out for maybe an hour but I decided to turn around as soon as it started getting rocky since I wasn't looking for a huge ride.  In the end I was about for about an hour.  Jonny continued on and I went back to the car and swapped bike for running shoes because apparently I'm a masochist.  It was a short run, just under 1/2 an hour and again how could I pass this up?

Some random guy on the trail.

Looking towards Lyons.

Summer finally let loose its death grip and the past 2 weeks have been perfect, 60'-70's.  Still a little warm for agility but we've been getting in some practices in preparation for DOCNA Champs. in a week and a half.  Wish I had equipment in my yard so we could do more but oh well.  Weaves and dogwalk are still not where I want them but my handling is starting to sharpen up a little.  I went running to get somewhere while Strum was in a tunnel and was surprised to find that I was easily where I needed to be when he came out.  All the triathlon training has been good for something.

I've been re-thinking my goal for Xterra Nationals next year though.  Lance Armstrong was out at this year's Nationals course checking it out to see if he might do it.  While many people would be thrilled with this news for me it would be a nightmare.  First of all I can't stand him and second of all it would turn the event into a circus and might make next year even worse.  He's like the Kurt Cobain of the mountain bike world, commercializing and ruining everything he touches for the regular folk.  Leadville 100 turned into a nightmare after he did it.  Now it's a huge mainstream event.  The original owners of the race sold it and now they let in way too many people for the size of the course.  Even if Lance passes on Xterra this year who's to say he won't do it next year?

At first I couldn't figure out why he was sniffing around Xterra races but then it hit me that they most likely won't drug test him.  And even if they do, the drug testing authority for Xterra is nothing like the one for road racing, he'll easily be able to elude them but I doubt they'll even bother.  I wish he'd just retire or at least leave the off-road triathlon world alone.  Or maybe the feds will finally get somewhere with the doping investigations.  Seems like they were making some headway but I've not heard anything lately and obviously he's not in jail so I don't know if they gave up or what.

I wish there were more smaller, independent races around.  The only one I know of in the area is in October and I fear the water will be way too cold or it might snow or I would enter it.  Both the Lory and Indian Peaks race used to be independent then other race owners took them over and turned them into Xterras.  Ah well, plenty of time to make up my mind before next year's season.


  1. Your boot camp description completely cracked me up! Hey, it's good to challenge our underused muscles, right? :)

    I hear you on the Lance thing...I think he should just go away quietly rather than bring drama to anything else much less a whole 'nother sport.

  2. Boot camps have been pretty much like that for me, too--finding those muscles that, who knew, were never actually used. Hurts good.

    "Since madonna was actually a virgin" good line :-).